tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11645334880500317142024-03-13T11:31:31.987-07:00Nilona BhagatAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00093133056317737752noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1164533488050031714.post-16206576186132911212015-07-17T05:48:00.001-07:002015-07-17T10:08:36.470-07:00HOW DO YOU TREAT YOUR CHILDREN IN PUBLIC? #Aaj kal k bachhe<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<![endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">My journey to Delhi was the most memorable tour I must say. Not because
I enjoyed being in Delhi which is the smallest n not so interesting part of my
tour but because of the train journey I enjoyed from Nagpur to Delhi and then
back from Delhi to Nagpur. Since last several years I have been traveling by
train at various places and believe me train as I think is the best place to
meet and know different people coming from different states, different
languages and different culture. Most readers of womensweb might have read my
article of journey to Delhi, “let the women be daughter of her parents’
always!”On how I met a family from Rajasthan and how they made me think over
the issue of girl child. I had fun time with the kids in this story who made my
travel easy. My back journey to Nagpur was nonetheless as interesting as the journey
to Delhi. After boring journey half the way up to Bhopal, where most of the
companions were of my age I guess shared no similar interests with me of
talking/gossiping or discussing and knowing each other were mostly busy on
their laptops and phones watching movies and talking with their friends and
family. I finally got a good company of some children who had finally managed
to make my last moments in that train quite comfortable and entertaining. I
guess, it is my love for kids which make my time go quite easy and memorable.</b><br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">After sitting ideal for several hours and looking at people’s faces who
were not at all interested in me when the train stopped at Bhopal and people
from my compartment got down and I got the new companions. Two ladies with
their three kids and too much luggage seemed like they just had shopped it from
Bhopal. The ladies got busy in arranging their luggage and the kids reserved
their favorite seats for themselves. One kid who was around the age 5-7, was
very much enthusiast and was speaking continuously. Mother you keep my bag
here! Mother don’t keep my shoes deep inside, it’ll be difficult to find them!
Mother I want to go to the upper birth…mother this…mother that. And his mother
was constantly asking him to keep calm and let her do her work. After settling
there the kid wanted to sit near window though it was packed with glass, he was
struggling to see outside. But both the parallel seats were occupied by two
people. One by an old lady who was not interested in him and the other one were
with the girl of his age group mothered by another lady who boarded the train
with this mother son duo. The girl had an elder brother studying in 8<sup>th</sup>
standard. Unlike this kid, both the brother and sister were calm and seated
ideally. On his asking for seat near a window his mother again asked him to sit
properly without making noise. Seeing his desire to seat near a window sit I
called him up to seat on my side lower birth. And without wasting a time he
came to me and sat by my side and started talking to me. And over the time I
was introduced to him and his family and the other companions. And we started
talking to each other. There was nothing much to share culture and rituals
unlike my previous journey as all of us were Marathi from Nagpur side but what
fascinated me was the activities of those kids. I was seeing two types of kids.
The two siblings as calm and “well behaved” and the other one who attracted me
the most was enthusiast and talkative. All the time he was playing with me,
asking me questions from his first standard text book. Asking me to multiply
two into two or add five with seven and sometimes to correct the shuffled
letters from a word such as MAT, CAT and sometimes real difficult for me like
TIGER. Or sometimes climbing from one birth to another…he was enjoying the
arrangement of the births one above the other. While his mother was
continuously watching him and instructing him to not to peep up-down from upper
birth or not to roam here and there or talk too much! Or sometimes he’d include
all of us in his tricky fun questions from his textbooks. I enjoyed his company
and neither of the other companions complained against him. But the mother was
continuously asking him to keep shut or else complaining papa. May be it was my
prejudiced towards kids that didn’t annoyed me his behavior (though I have seen
real annoying spoiled kids but I didn’t find him annoying or misbehaved at all!
May be only the parents who have to handle such kids all the time can
understand how she suffered or maybe I could not understand his mother that the
other mothers can! But one thing that drew my attention was when after several
time after being scolded this kid finally said in a sad tone, “mother you always
scold me in front of public. I don’t like this!” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I was shocked to listen something like this for the first time. A 6
years old kid asking his mother not to scold him in public! He did not use the
word insult. Probably he does not know the word but he feels it. He feels
insulted when his mother scolded in public.</b><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I felt sad for him. I wanted him to do all the
masti and fun he was doing then. For me he was the kid what the kids of his age
have to be. And aaj kal ke bacche are not as same as the kids in our parents’
time were used to be. As the elders tell me how their parents used to beat them
or even the teachers to make them study. Now our generation cannot use force to
make them come on line even as a part of their rearing. This generation is
smarter than ours. They know what to study, what and how skills to develop, how
to operate smart phones and computers even better than us. And using force or
scolding them in public simply not going to work. Because these bachhe are
smarter, they know what insult is, they too feel humiliated because they don’t
fear elders and they too have the feelings. We as the elders have to understand
this.</span></b></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></b></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00093133056317737752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1164533488050031714.post-76547053918694457982015-07-11T12:13:00.005-07:002015-07-11T12:56:44.904-07:00 THAT’S HOW MOTHERS ARE!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Oh! This has been a long time to write something on this page,
but finally I managed to come back with my second blog. This time it’s a story
from nature; something which is true which is touching. I hope you connect with
it. So the story goes like this-</div>
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Once upon a time there was a
depot of dry forest woods. There was also one tree. Dry and dead! With no
leaves, neither flowers nor fruits! It served no purpose to stay in depot but
to cut the tree and burn its branches, the wood for fuel purpose. The depot was
also full of weeds. The tiny little grass! which was restricting the growth of
large trees. The forest department decided to sell all the wood and clean up
the depot. So the higher officer ordered his subordinates. The subordinate
after the sale of wooden blocks of depot found it convenient to clean it by the
easiest way of lighting a fire. And so he did at once.</div>
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Later that day the officials came
to inspect the depot. While walking across they reached near the tree. They
found a small hollow hole on the tree trunk. They checked inside the hole and
found what? Bodies of four parrots. Dead not because of the fire but the heat
that was burning the tree. It was a family of four with mother and her tiny
little chicken. Who did not even know how to fly? The mother parrot daily used
to go out of her beautiful tree house fetch food for her children and feed
them. Every day she used to follow the same routine. Go out of the house, keep
her chicken wait and return back with a food. But it was a different day for
them. Mother went to fetch the food, like always her little angels were waiting
but by the time she returned the depot was set a fire. She realized the danger.
She had to run away to save her life. But she could not. Her little angels were
inside that house, she had to save them. She took a risk she flew to the tree,
which was yet to catch the fire. She entered the hole. Her chicken were crying
for her, waiting for their mother. She did not understand how to save them. She
could not pick them up in her beak. Neither could hold them in her tiny claws.
All that she could do was to embrace them in her feathers n so she did. The
fire came to the tree; all that she could do was to squawk with her little
angels. She could fly but she did not. How could she? She was a mother and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">that’s</b> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">how mothers are! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00093133056317737752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1164533488050031714.post-20315619754102073242015-05-23T07:57:00.000-07:002015-06-03T02:29:13.741-07:00 WHAT IS THERE IN HUSBAND’S NAME?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Last November when I was traveling
to Delhi from Nagpur, on my way I met a beautiful family of four in train. It
was an early married couple, along with their four year old son and the two
year old daughter “Gudiya.” The family was going to their hometown in Rajasthan
from Chennai, the place where the father used to work as labor in a marble
factory. Gudiya was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was real
Barbie doll. Her beautiful big round eyes full of kajal on her white face was
making her look even more beautiful. The kids happily mixed up with me and were
enjoying my company. On a two day journey to Delhi the kids spent most of their
time with me since the time they met me at Nagpur. The parents were happily
freed off their continuously annoying kids at least for some time.</div>
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I was happy to see that the
father loved his daughter so much. The scene had changed my perception that
most uneducated poor families from northern states particularly Rajasthan and
Haryana don’t love their daughters and don’t want girl child per se. No! There
are people who accept their daughters and love them. It is not just about
loving and accepting daughter. It’s about the pain of a father who has
daughters in their society. I got to know about their problems when we started
knowing each other. The young man was a labour and a wife was 7<sup>th</sup>
class educated housewife who was 23 year old woman (3 years younger to me) was a
mother of 3. The little angel Gudiya had an elder most sister who was 5 years
old and was living with her maternal grandmother. The woman had got married at
the age of 17. Though the man was a labor both the couple belonged to quite
well to do respective families who had number of cattle at their houses which
marks their richness in their society. When the women got to know about me that
I was 26 year old and was still unmarried she was quite surprised. And at the
same time the couple was proud to know that I was a practicing lawyer.</div>
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My most conversation was with
woman only during stops at various stations or when the husband was busy
roaming inside train with his kids somewhere. The woman was happy to see me
highly educated. And at the same time sad and jealous. She did not have the
opportunity to educate herself. She wanted to study. She belonged to some
village in Rajasthan where the school had classes only up to 7<sup>th</sup>
standard. They were four sisters and one brother. Then off course like most
Indian families the lucky chance to go out and get education was given to her
youngest brother. The sisters had to get married. They had to give dowry. The
parents could not spend more on the education of their daughters. Her brilliant
brother was now engineer earning in lacks per month in Delhi and now wanted to
marry a girl of different community who is equally educated and earning equally
with him. The sisters were not that much fortunate. My new friend was hardly 7<sup>th</sup>
class passed and she had got the husband according to her qualification, She
said. Though the couple was happy with each other; she was not happy getting
married early. She said to me that I had a life ahead to explore, I had lot
more to see. But it was not so in her case. According to her, she had nothing
left to see in life. At such an early age of her she was done with her studies,
she had got married, she was done with her romantic life, she had enough
experience of sexual life and now she was a mother of three kids at 23, she was
repeatedly telling me. Now she just had to take care of her husband, his kids,
and her in laws. Her routine day included to cook food, see the kids don’t go
far and take care of the cattle. </div>
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My repeated words that she had
got the most beautiful daughter were making her happy but whenever our
discussion came on the topic of daughters or girls she used to get anxious. She
was worried about arranging dowry for their two daughters. They have to give
huge amount in dowry, cattle and land too. The half the savings of their life
goes to dowry of their daughter and what happens when you have two? U have to
start saving for the dowry of your daughter the moment she is born! She said. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unlike
her parents the couple wanted to educate their daughters. But in two day time
spent with them the woman was repeatedly saying </div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“betiyon ko badhane me bohot kharcha aata hain…bohot dahej dena padta
hain…..betiya”</i>…(nodding her head indicating her helplessness of having girl
child) …</div>
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She could not finish her words
but I could understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her words
saddened me several times. I could look at Gudiya and hardly could imagine
parents not wanting the most beautiful girl like her because she was a
daughter.</div>
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My experience with the family
showed me the reality which I only either used to read or see in television. </div>
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Giving preference to boy over
girls in education, getting daughters married early giving huge dowry made me
think about the problem, the causes of this menace and its solutions.</div>
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Lack of education?</div>
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I’ve heard that there are rates
for dowry…higher the son is educated, higher the dowry amount. (pardon me if I
am wrong!) But dowry system is equally or even more popular in educated and
rich families.</div>
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Then what can be?</div>
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The patriarchal society?</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Betiya parayi hoti hain. Ek din to usne apne ghar jana hain. </i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Beta ghar ka chirag hota hain. Ek din baap ka naam roshan karega.</i></div>
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Why? Women can’t hail their name?</div>
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In India most girls are married
early. By early, here I mean around the age group between 18 to 25. This is the
age when most people struggle to make their career. What if a married girl
makes her career after wedding? Whatever she earns was learned from her maternal
house and then the credit and benefits goes to her in laws. However, the son
gives back what he gets from his parents he continues the family name, family
clan and takes care of his parents at old age. Then why should parents even
think of spending more on girl’s education? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess this is what most parents think even
today not in India but off course in Bharat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
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The personal laws now have given
equal rights in family property but I see it still have not worked. This right
gives her only security after birth. But what about her security before birth.
What about her right to be born as an individual and not as particular unwanted
gender? It is about the birth of a girl in our families. Her rights…education,
career, marriage, her status in family and her identity as an individual. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A women when gets married in India, she has to
do everything she could do to show the society that she is married. Putting Sindur,
wearing Magalsutra, dozens of Chudis and everything else what her community
requires her to do. She even changes her name/surname and also changes her
status, she becomes Mrs. She does all this to show her affection and dedication
towards her husband. What she gets in return? Mr. ABC remains Mr. ABC and rest
we know. What I mean here is woman changes her identity as an individual here.
If we go to justify the present biased tradition we have to go to our early
society. When there was a concept of ownership. Where women were really the
vulnerable class of society. When the masculinity required staying under the
protection of some men. Then women had to declare that they belonged to
particular man or family. If I’m not wrong the women today are the still
vulnerable class of society. But there is remarkable elevation in their status
as well. Then why such class has to follow such traditions which nonetheless
still dominate them in a patriarchy? Not going to other traditions which women
accept as their shringar with pride. I’ll stick to the point of changing
identity. Do really women need to change their identity given by their parents.
Is replacing fathers naming with their husbands name still holds so much
importance in our society?</div>
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People will consider this as a
very minor issue. “What is there in name?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shakespeare once said! But it’s about your
identity. It is about what you take from your parents. Isn’t it our
responsibility to hail our fathers name. Can’t two people with two different
names live together as husband and wife? Is it so important to be called as someone’
mistress than indicating just your gender with pride as miss. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is ridiculous when I see in most official
forms there are options to indicate your gender (not status, because there is
separate column for status) as Mr./Miss/Mrs then in next column you’re even
asked to indicate your status as single or married. This may be a neglected
technical error but my point is do women have to call themselves as Mrs. while
filling up the official forms when they can indicate their status? I see no
point in changing names after marriage or status as miss to Mrs. If the woman’
last name indicates who she is dependent off then at least a modern woman
doesn’t require to change her name. She earns as much as her husband and is
independent as much as her husband is. But still she is proud to change her
original identity. Nowadays there is an improvement…..women after adding
fathers surname add husbands surname as well. A good move! But why even to add husband’s
name? For example Mrs Aishwarya Rai Bacchan’s wedding is seen by whole world.
Everyone knows Aishwarya Rai is married now. Then she doesn’t require to call
herself as Mrs. Also she earns or successful as much as or even more than her
husband, then the logic of woman being dependant of her husband or is taken
care off or protected by her husband is not applicable to her, then why does
she needs to change her name.</div>
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I think surname system only
indicates what clan, family tree or blood you inherit. And accepting husbands
surname after a social ceremony does not simply make her the clan or blood
member of that family. One interesting question was asked what will be the last
name of a kid who’s born out of people with two different names. Is it
important to have the surname? What if the child is name after the initials or
names of his parents? The better answer to this question lies in our own
country. If we go to south, we won’t get to know the surnames of people we
meet. Their name starts with the initial of their father’s name. I’d like to
give an example of my few friends from south…K. Amrithraj, S. Neelimadevi etc..
I don’t know their surnames but they have names. What if we instead of naming
people after their surnames name them with their both the parents’ names? I see
one important benefit of this system will end recognizing people’s caste by
their surnames. This can be a small step to stop caste based disparity in our
society. At the end what I suggest here is marriage is the union of two souls
and two different families and for this holy union I don’t think we need to
change the original identity of one person. Let the women be a daughter of her
parents’ always even after she gets married to you. A woman is blessed best
with her duties to perform towards her both the families whether you change her
name or not! What say? </div>
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