Last November when I was traveling
to Delhi from Nagpur, on my way I met a beautiful family of four in train. It
was an early married couple, along with their four year old son and the two
year old daughter “Gudiya.” The family was going to their hometown in Rajasthan
from Chennai, the place where the father used to work as labor in a marble
factory. Gudiya was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was real
Barbie doll. Her beautiful big round eyes full of kajal on her white face was
making her look even more beautiful. The kids happily mixed up with me and were
enjoying my company. On a two day journey to Delhi the kids spent most of their
time with me since the time they met me at Nagpur. The parents were happily
freed off their continuously annoying kids at least for some time.
I was happy to see that the
father loved his daughter so much. The scene had changed my perception that
most uneducated poor families from northern states particularly Rajasthan and
Haryana don’t love their daughters and don’t want girl child per se. No! There
are people who accept their daughters and love them. It is not just about
loving and accepting daughter. It’s about the pain of a father who has
daughters in their society. I got to know about their problems when we started
knowing each other. The young man was a labour and a wife was 7th
class educated housewife who was 23 year old woman (3 years younger to me) was a
mother of 3. The little angel Gudiya had an elder most sister who was 5 years
old and was living with her maternal grandmother. The woman had got married at
the age of 17. Though the man was a labor both the couple belonged to quite
well to do respective families who had number of cattle at their houses which
marks their richness in their society. When the women got to know about me that
I was 26 year old and was still unmarried she was quite surprised. And at the
same time the couple was proud to know that I was a practicing lawyer.
My most conversation was with
woman only during stops at various stations or when the husband was busy
roaming inside train with his kids somewhere. The woman was happy to see me
highly educated. And at the same time sad and jealous. She did not have the
opportunity to educate herself. She wanted to study. She belonged to some
village in Rajasthan where the school had classes only up to 7th
standard. They were four sisters and one brother. Then off course like most
Indian families the lucky chance to go out and get education was given to her
youngest brother. The sisters had to get married. They had to give dowry. The
parents could not spend more on the education of their daughters. Her brilliant
brother was now engineer earning in lacks per month in Delhi and now wanted to
marry a girl of different community who is equally educated and earning equally
with him. The sisters were not that much fortunate. My new friend was hardly 7th
class passed and she had got the husband according to her qualification, She
said. Though the couple was happy with each other; she was not happy getting
married early. She said to me that I had a life ahead to explore, I had lot
more to see. But it was not so in her case. According to her, she had nothing
left to see in life. At such an early age of her she was done with her studies,
she had got married, she was done with her romantic life, she had enough
experience of sexual life and now she was a mother of three kids at 23, she was
repeatedly telling me. Now she just had to take care of her husband, his kids,
and her in laws. Her routine day included to cook food, see the kids don’t go
far and take care of the cattle.
My repeated words that she had
got the most beautiful daughter were making her happy but whenever our
discussion came on the topic of daughters or girls she used to get anxious. She
was worried about arranging dowry for their two daughters. They have to give
huge amount in dowry, cattle and land too. The half the savings of their life
goes to dowry of their daughter and what happens when you have two? U have to
start saving for the dowry of your daughter the moment she is born! She said. Unlike
her parents the couple wanted to educate their daughters. But in two day time
spent with them the woman was repeatedly saying
“betiyon ko badhane me bohot kharcha aata hain…bohot dahej dena padta
hain…..betiya”…(nodding her head indicating her helplessness of having girl
child) …
She could not finish her words
but I could understand. Her words
saddened me several times. I could look at Gudiya and hardly could imagine
parents not wanting the most beautiful girl like her because she was a
daughter.
My experience with the family
showed me the reality which I only either used to read or see in television.
Giving preference to boy over
girls in education, getting daughters married early giving huge dowry made me
think about the problem, the causes of this menace and its solutions.
Lack of education?
I’ve heard that there are rates
for dowry…higher the son is educated, higher the dowry amount. (pardon me if I
am wrong!) But dowry system is equally or even more popular in educated and
rich families.
Then what can be?
The patriarchal society?
Betiya parayi hoti hain. Ek din to usne apne ghar jana hain.
Beta ghar ka chirag hota hain. Ek din baap ka naam roshan karega.
Why? Women can’t hail their name?
In India most girls are married
early. By early, here I mean around the age group between 18 to 25. This is the
age when most people struggle to make their career. What if a married girl
makes her career after wedding? Whatever she earns was learned from her maternal
house and then the credit and benefits goes to her in laws. However, the son
gives back what he gets from his parents he continues the family name, family
clan and takes care of his parents at old age. Then why should parents even
think of spending more on girl’s education? I guess this is what most parents think even
today not in India but off course in Bharat.
The personal laws now have given
equal rights in family property but I see it still have not worked. This right
gives her only security after birth. But what about her security before birth.
What about her right to be born as an individual and not as particular unwanted
gender? It is about the birth of a girl in our families. Her rights…education,
career, marriage, her status in family and her identity as an individual. A women when gets married in India, she has to
do everything she could do to show the society that she is married. Putting Sindur,
wearing Magalsutra, dozens of Chudis and everything else what her community
requires her to do. She even changes her name/surname and also changes her
status, she becomes Mrs. She does all this to show her affection and dedication
towards her husband. What she gets in return? Mr. ABC remains Mr. ABC and rest
we know. What I mean here is woman changes her identity as an individual here.
If we go to justify the present biased tradition we have to go to our early
society. When there was a concept of ownership. Where women were really the
vulnerable class of society. When the masculinity required staying under the
protection of some men. Then women had to declare that they belonged to
particular man or family. If I’m not wrong the women today are the still
vulnerable class of society. But there is remarkable elevation in their status
as well. Then why such class has to follow such traditions which nonetheless
still dominate them in a patriarchy? Not going to other traditions which women
accept as their shringar with pride. I’ll stick to the point of changing
identity. Do really women need to change their identity given by their parents.
Is replacing fathers naming with their husbands name still holds so much
importance in our society?
People will consider this as a
very minor issue. “What is there in name?” Shakespeare once said! But it’s about your
identity. It is about what you take from your parents. Isn’t it our
responsibility to hail our fathers name. Can’t two people with two different
names live together as husband and wife? Is it so important to be called as someone’
mistress than indicating just your gender with pride as miss. It is ridiculous when I see in most official
forms there are options to indicate your gender (not status, because there is
separate column for status) as Mr./Miss/Mrs then in next column you’re even
asked to indicate your status as single or married. This may be a neglected
technical error but my point is do women have to call themselves as Mrs. while
filling up the official forms when they can indicate their status? I see no
point in changing names after marriage or status as miss to Mrs. If the woman’
last name indicates who she is dependent off then at least a modern woman
doesn’t require to change her name. She earns as much as her husband and is
independent as much as her husband is. But still she is proud to change her
original identity. Nowadays there is an improvement…..women after adding
fathers surname add husbands surname as well. A good move! But why even to add husband’s
name? For example Mrs Aishwarya Rai Bacchan’s wedding is seen by whole world.
Everyone knows Aishwarya Rai is married now. Then she doesn’t require to call
herself as Mrs. Also she earns or successful as much as or even more than her
husband, then the logic of woman being dependant of her husband or is taken
care off or protected by her husband is not applicable to her, then why does
she needs to change her name.
I think surname system only
indicates what clan, family tree or blood you inherit. And accepting husbands
surname after a social ceremony does not simply make her the clan or blood
member of that family. One interesting question was asked what will be the last
name of a kid who’s born out of people with two different names. Is it
important to have the surname? What if the child is name after the initials or
names of his parents? The better answer to this question lies in our own
country. If we go to south, we won’t get to know the surnames of people we
meet. Their name starts with the initial of their father’s name. I’d like to
give an example of my few friends from south…K. Amrithraj, S. Neelimadevi etc..
I don’t know their surnames but they have names. What if we instead of naming
people after their surnames name them with their both the parents’ names? I see
one important benefit of this system will end recognizing people’s caste by
their surnames. This can be a small step to stop caste based disparity in our
society. At the end what I suggest here is marriage is the union of two souls
and two different families and for this holy union I don’t think we need to
change the original identity of one person. Let the women be a daughter of her
parents’ always even after she gets married to you. A woman is blessed best
with her duties to perform towards her both the families whether you change her
name or not! What say?
Changing one's name has absolutely nothing to do with one's level of commitment to one's relationship. Take the fact that educated women, who are more likely to marry at a later age, also tend to have the must sustaining (and happiest) marriages. There are no ready statistics on how many of these women are actually keeping their names, but it's not much of a leap to assume that a woman is more likely to hang onto her own name after years of having it, establishing herself and her career under that "brand." (Which, it must be pointed out, likely came from her father.)
ReplyDeleteThe women of today can now make a free choice about what to do with their names - and some couples are even turning to double-barrelling or even hybrid names as a compromise.
ReplyDeleteWhen it would come to my own wedding day I will be "ambitious" and "forward". To abandon my surname and take that of my partner would mean abandoning Dhara Doshi, along with all the errors, achievements and resonances she created over the years. I would become, first and foremost, my husband's wife (no no no ). And that's not the whole of me. So I will keep the name "Doshi". I'll keep it with all its baggage, its embarrassments, its frequent misspellings, and the bad jokes about its meaning. And as I sign my unchanged name in the register, I'll think of all the women who made it possible for me to do so.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo Nilona Bhagat it is totally a personal choice of the women of today. On the other hand, adopting your partners surname should also not be judged.... Accepting the personal choice of every woman in all the fields would actually be a boon for the society in all aspects.....
ReplyDeleteV apt and practical situation has been dealt here...what has just become a custom has captured man in its own shackle.
ReplyDeletegood work and lucid approach .